Too Tired

Goodness. >.<

Today was my first day at my new job. It was a good day. Got to listen in on a bunch of calls, and it seems like it'll be a good job. The problem is I'm exhausted. Beyond belief. I didn't sleep well last night, and then we had to be out of the house at 7 to take D to Grandma's house. 7 may not seem early to some, but to me, it's insane.

I generally go to bed fairly late. Last night was about midnight-ish. That's fairly early for me. But, as I said, haven't been sleeping well. At work, I almost fell asleep a few times. But I didn't, so it's all good.

Anywho, short post, 'cuz I'm too tired to think.

Wedding Stress

I'm so tired of not having money for anything. Doesn't matter if I'm working or not, it always seems like we're struggling. I know a lot of people out there feel the same.

We're planning our wedding right now. We're supposed to get married on June 17th. Luckily with my tax return this year, we were able to put a little bit of money aside specifically for the wedding. Unfortunately, that money has recently had to go to a lot of other things. For example... the car broke down the other day. We completely disintegrated the alternator belt. So, there went over half of what we had left for the wedding. So far, for the wedding, we have purchased my dress and J's ring. That's about it. I don't know what we're going to do. *sigh*

Also on wedding planning... it's frustrating. We've been engaged for over a year already. But, of course, I put off the planning till recently. Which means I have 2 1/2 months. We know where we're doing the ceremony and reception, as I said, I have my dress, and we have a theme in mind. Other than that, we're kind of up in the air. We don't have an officiant yet, we don't have tuxes for the guys, I haven't picked out my bridesmaid's dresses, we have no idea what we're serving at the reception... I feel like it's all falling apart.

And on top of that, I may not end up having all of my bridesmaids. One of my sisters, who was supposed to be a bridesmaid is going to be 8 months pregnant at the time of the wedding. She also lives 3000 miles away. So, she may not be able to come out here for the wedding. One of my other bridesmaids, one of my very best friends ever, lives about the same distance away, but can't afford to fly out here. We were planning on buying her plane ticket, but we can't even afford the freaking tuxes, so I don't know what we're going to do with that.

I keep telling J (semi-jokingly) that we need to just elope in Vegas. His mom would be upset, so I say that we could take her with us. Then we wouldn't have to worry about all the stress and the costs and the craziness. But he won't go for it. He wants to give me the dream wedding, which is great and all, but we can't AFFORD the dream wedding. We're paying for the whole thing ourselves, and it's just getting to be too much. I start looking at wedding plans, ideas, honeymoon stuff, etc., and I just start crying. Getting married shouldn't be this stressful.

The New Job

Life is crazy. We all know this. Sometimes it is crazier than others. Sometimes it just makes you want to cry.

This is one of those times.

Everything is making me feel crazy. No decision is easy. I argue with myself about everything. I don't know what to do about any of it. And yet, it all has to be done.

I quit my job about a month ago. It was horrible, and it was an extremely hard decision. I loved what I did. I was an internet coach, which means that I taught people how to make online businesses. I loved my clients. Many of them had bad experiences before with other coaches, but I was able to get them moving ahead, accomplishing something, and it felt good. The problem was that the work environment was extremely hostile. There was a lot of sexual discrimination going on. There were constant threats and nothing anyone did was ever good enough. I was one of the top producers, but again, never good enough. It was horrible. But I digress. After working there almost a year and a half, I quit.

So, the job hunt began. I'm lucky; my fiance has a great job, and we recently have been able to put a little bit of money into savings. But we knew that I would either need to get a job, or get our own businesses up and running. I was very good at my job, so I knew one or the other, or both, would happen eventually. I applied tons of places, and started the preliminaries of the business. Eventually I got an interview.

I interviewed last Monday at the company J (my fiance) works for. They were interviewing me for customer service/tech support. This is a completely different job than what I had been doing before. Basically, it's a step down, but that's fine with me. It's also a huge pay cut. Again, this is fine; I'd rather be making less at a better company than more at one that sends me into panic attacks. There's also a ton of room for advancement. Last Friday I was called in for a second interview. The second interview occurred today.

The interview went well. I was offered the position, and accepted it. They want me to start tomorrow. Great. Awesome! Less than a month unemployed, because, let's face it, I rock. I am also extremely overqualified for this position. The manager seemed excited about this, because I know what the hell I'm doing, and know other aspects of the business. This rocks for me, too, because it means that I will probably advance quickly. But here's where the problems come in.

I want a job, but I want to stay at home. I have a son that is almost 4. D (my son) has loved having me home, and I've loved being home with him. He's making leaps and bounds with his learning. He's learning to write his ABC's. I'm going to miss my time with him. I need a job, but I need to be a momma, too. I'm excited about my new job, but I dread it. D is going to be so upset. So am I. I need this; I want this... so why do I feel so crappy about it?!?

So, now I don't know what to do. I know what I'm going to do, but I don't know what I want to do. I'm going to start the new job. I'm most likely going to enjoy it. But I'm going to miss that time that I was able to spend with D.

There are so many other things going on right now, I feel like crap. But it's so hard to explain these feelings to those around me, because quite technically, everything is going amazing. *sigh* C'est la vie, I guess.