Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Drowning

I feel like I am drowning. I have no life jacket, no lifesaver. If I don't find one soon, I may just drown. I don't know what to do

Monday, August 23, 2010

Holy Depression

It is ridiculous, and sometime scary, how much depression hurts. We've all seen the depression hurts commercials, and maybe even laughed at them. I know I never really took them seriously, even though depression is something that I've been dealing with almost my whole life. But, when you really think about it, even as you are going through it, it really does hurt.

I have been dealing with this particular bought of depression for a little while now. I think for about 6 months, it's been coming and going, but over the last month or two, it's been really really bad. I barely want to wake up in the morning. I think constantly throughout the day how much I want to cut. I can't help it. I haven't cut, and I won't... Jon would be upset at me, and I can't deal with that on top of everything else. I think about it though... I almost long to. I wish I could cry, but I have a hard time crying no matter how hard things get. I wish I could... maybe it would make things easier to deal with. I wish I had any sort of "out".

I have nothing now. Since I am pregnant, I don't have any of my normal outs. I don't regret being pregnant AT ALL. I love the fact that I am having Jon's baby. I love her already. But... it just makes things harder.

Today was probably one of the worse days I've had. My son started his first day of preschool today. I missed it. I was at work. I didn't get to take him, or pick him up. Hell, it was 5 hours after he got home before I got to see him. I feel like shit. I completely missed the first day. I feel like I'm missing out with him. I know that I'm not the only mom that has to work, but I hate it. So much. I can't deal with this all much longer. I am working full time doing a job that, realistically, I don't like. I'm also working essentially part time doing article writing. I am doing this to get the hell out of my full time job, and be able to work at home. But so far... it's not looking too promising. Yes, last week, I was able to make on my articles what I made at my full time job... but doing that for one week isn't enough. It needs to be more consistent.

Jon doesn't want me to quit. And I understand his reasoning. Having me on a steady paycheck is probably the only thing keeping us afloat right now. I don't know how we would be able to get by with both of us on, essentially, commission only. Good God, I wish things were easier. The problem is, this job is making it worse. The depression, the sadness... I can't do it much longer. But I don't know what else to do. And I don't think anyone really knows or understands how badly I am doing...

Enough rambling for now.