Drowning

I feel like I am drowning. I have no life jacket, no lifesaver. If I don't find one soon, I may just drown. I don't know what to do

Holy Depression

It is ridiculous, and sometime scary, how much depression hurts. We've all seen the depression hurts commercials, and maybe even laughed at them. I know I never really took them seriously, even though depression is something that I've been dealing with almost my whole life. But, when you really think about it, even as you are going through it, it really does hurt.

I have been dealing with this particular bought of depression for a little while now. I think for about 6 months, it's been coming and going, but over the last month or two, it's been really really bad. I barely want to wake up in the morning. I think constantly throughout the day how much I want to cut. I can't help it. I haven't cut, and I won't... Jon would be upset at me, and I can't deal with that on top of everything else. I think about it though... I almost long to. I wish I could cry, but I have a hard time crying no matter how hard things get. I wish I could... maybe it would make things easier to deal with. I wish I had any sort of "out".

I have nothing now. Since I am pregnant, I don't have any of my normal outs. I don't regret being pregnant AT ALL. I love the fact that I am having Jon's baby. I love her already. But... it just makes things harder.

Today was probably one of the worse days I've had. My son started his first day of preschool today. I missed it. I was at work. I didn't get to take him, or pick him up. Hell, it was 5 hours after he got home before I got to see him. I feel like shit. I completely missed the first day. I feel like I'm missing out with him. I know that I'm not the only mom that has to work, but I hate it. So much. I can't deal with this all much longer. I am working full time doing a job that, realistically, I don't like. I'm also working essentially part time doing article writing. I am doing this to get the hell out of my full time job, and be able to work at home. But so far... it's not looking too promising. Yes, last week, I was able to make on my articles what I made at my full time job... but doing that for one week isn't enough. It needs to be more consistent.

Jon doesn't want me to quit. And I understand his reasoning. Having me on a steady paycheck is probably the only thing keeping us afloat right now. I don't know how we would be able to get by with both of us on, essentially, commission only. Good God, I wish things were easier. The problem is, this job is making it worse. The depression, the sadness... I can't do it much longer. But I don't know what else to do. And I don't think anyone really knows or understands how badly I am doing...

Enough rambling for now.

Wow... So those hives...

So, it's been a while since I updated, but I have a feeling it doesn't really matter...

Anyway, turns out, we found out the reason for the hives. I am not 14 1/2 weeks pregnant. I got the hives a week or so after I would have concieved. Interesting, huh?

The pregnancy has been killing me. I'm extremely emotional, exhausted beyond belief, and just all around blah. Work is HARD. Not because it's really hard, but for a few other reasons. First among them, people. Clients make me angry or sad on a daily basis. I'm having a hard time keeping a cap on my emotions. I know they're just dipshits on the phone, and them yelling at me or whatever isn't really going to hurt me or anything. But gah! I can't deal with it. At least not nearly as well as I have in the past. Coworkers are almost worse. I work with a lot of really dumb people. Ok, not really. I actually like most of my coworkers. Some of them jsut really get on my nerves. *shrugs* What can ya do, I guess?

The other reason it's hard is I'm SO TIRED! I can barely pull myself through a workday without passing out. I got to bed way earlier than I ever have before, and wake up with just enough time to get myself ready for work.

Overall, I feel like crap. This pregnancy has been really difficult so far. I have been really sick, on top of everything else. At least I know it's worth it at the end!

Anyway, enough whining. I'm going to try to update more frequently. We'll see what happens.

Hives... Itchy, blotchy, yuckiness

Hives suck. I got hives for the first time in my life tis week. They started showing up extremely early Sunday morning. At first, I didn't know what was going on. All I knew was that my arm was red and itchy.

Sunday afternoon I had J get me some Benadryl. I took it, and it helped with the itchiness. It also knocked me out. The redness didn't stay for long after the itching stopped.

Monday I ended up going to Insta-care, because it kept getting worse. They diagnosed it as hives, told me to take a larger dose of Benadryl, and said it should clear up within a day or two. I stayed home from work Monday, being itchy and doped up on Benadryl.

Even though I was continuing to break out, I went to work on Tuesday. I took lots of Benadryl with me, as well as caffeine, to keep me awake. Unfortunately, by Tuesday, I had also lost my voice. I wasn't able to talk to customers, so I was on emails and chats all day. I was also kind of loopy due to the medicine. On the plus side, I didn't itch nearly as much. After I got home last night, I skipped a dose of Benadryl, because I was feeling ok-ish. Big mistake!

Last night I was barely able to sleep. I was itching like crazy. And the Benadryl wasn't working. I tried taking a few doses, but if they worked at all, it was only for about an hour.

After not sleeping much last night, I still couldn't stop itching. On top of that, now the splotchy redness is staying, not going away like it did previously.

I'm at work, still can't talk, cratching like crazy, and full of red splotches. Also, they haven't set up the chat system on my computer yet. The Benadryl still isn't working well at ALL. When it does work, it's only for a short period of time. I hate this. I never want to have hives again. And unfortunately, we have no idea what caused it, so it could happen again. *sigh*

Wedding Planning gone crazy

I've been doing a lot of wedding planning lately. It's driving me (and, I think J) completely insane. There's so much to do, and not enough time to do it all. I have my dress, J and the groomsmen have their tuxes paid for, and we know where we're doing the reception. Mostly, things are coming along well.

We DON'T have an officiant yet... It's starting to make me nervous. 2 months to go, and no one to perform the wedding yet. The priest that we have been talking to doesn't think that he'll be able to do it in June. J is Catholic... I'm not, and have been previously married. So, there are issues there. I'm not sure what we're going to do about this.

We also still need to find a tux for D. D is almost 4, and finding a somewhat affordable white tux for him is ridiculously difficult. It'll happen, but it's getting frustrating.

My bridesmaids are going to wear black dresses of their choice. Our theme is Broadway Musicals, so they're going to be fancy-ish dresses, but I know that not one style or cut is going to work for everyone, so I'm going with the same color - choose your style. So far this has gotten good reviews from the bridesmaids.

I have one of my bridesmaids that I have no idea how we're going to get her out here. She lives quite a ways away, and doesn't have much money. We've been planning to fly her out here, but I don't know how we're going to afford that, either. But I'm going to do everything in my power to have her here.

One of my other bridesmaids, one of my sisters, is pregnant, and is due a month after the wedding. Unless something bad happens, her doctor said that she would write a note for my sister to fly out here, so we'll see how that goes.

I booked our honeymoon hotel today. We're going to Vegas. It's far enough from home that it feels like we're away, but still close enough to drive. We'll be staying at the Monte Carlo. We got some really good prices on it. We'll be there for 5 days. I'm looking forward to it.

We don't have a florist, and that's stressing me a little, or a photographer, which is stressing me a LOT. My mom is making the cake (I just still need to decide on a style, how big, what we're doing with it, etc.), and we're going to put the food together ourselves, instead of having it catered.

Overall, lots of wedding stress. It's a good type of stress though, as I'm getting necessary things done. I think I'm starting to drive J nuts though. 2 months left to go...

Studio Academy (my high school) nostalgia

Have you ever had a day (or even just a while) where you felt so nostalgic that you wanted to cry? That's how I feel right now. Sad and nostalgic.

I was on facebook, and one of my friends was tagged in an album. I decided on a whim to take a look at the album and holy crap... it made me SO sad. It was from a friend from high school and had tons of pictures of other friends from high school. I loved my school. Studio Academy was freaking awesome. I had a lot of really good friends there.

At least, that's what I thought back then.

Now I have to wonder how many of them would even remember me. How many ever even think back and think of times we had together. That is at least, the ones that aren't NOW friends with my ex husband. It wouldn't surprise me if they have heard how horrible I am or some such stuff. *sigh*

I loved my time at Studio Academy. I look back on it with extremely happy memories. Of course, there were the bad times, but overall it leaves a happy memory. But, it does make me sad to wonder... how many people? Not only friends, but (and this may sound weird) teachers? The teachers that I had at Studio Academy were the best teachers I have ever had. They enjoyed what they taught, and that rubbed off. They were friendly. They were great. Do they remember me?

All in all, in the grand scheme of things, I guess it doesn't really matter. Unfortunately, to me it does matter. I miss those times. I miss those people. I'll probably never see most of them again, being as I now live halfway across the country. But they are important to me. If, by chance, anyone from Studio Academy happens on this blog, know that I do miss you.

Now to revel further in nostalgia.

Not a whole lot going on

So, I found out today that a bunch of people at my previous job have gotten fired. *sigh* Stupid companies. They think they can keep pushing their employees till they crack. That's not how it generally works.

My new job is going well. I don't think my trainer likes me too much. Or at least, she isn't very social with me. Oh well. I've been listening to a lot of calls, and that's about it. I can't freaking wait to get my computer!

D is at Grandma's house again today. We took him down there yesterday, brought him home last night, took him down again today... Grandma lives 45 minutes away, and work is 5 minutes away, so it makes for a really long day. Tonight D is staying at Grandma's house. I half want to stay up and enjoy my break of a night, half want to go to bed and pass out the rest of the night. lol

I did get my wedding dress the other day. I still have yet to try it on. I'm hoping to do that this weekend. It's really pretty, so I guess we'll see how it fits!

There's not a whole lot for me to really write about today. :-/ I want to keep up the habit of writing at least a little each day though.