The New Job

Life is crazy. We all know this. Sometimes it is crazier than others. Sometimes it just makes you want to cry.

This is one of those times.

Everything is making me feel crazy. No decision is easy. I argue with myself about everything. I don't know what to do about any of it. And yet, it all has to be done.

I quit my job about a month ago. It was horrible, and it was an extremely hard decision. I loved what I did. I was an internet coach, which means that I taught people how to make online businesses. I loved my clients. Many of them had bad experiences before with other coaches, but I was able to get them moving ahead, accomplishing something, and it felt good. The problem was that the work environment was extremely hostile. There was a lot of sexual discrimination going on. There were constant threats and nothing anyone did was ever good enough. I was one of the top producers, but again, never good enough. It was horrible. But I digress. After working there almost a year and a half, I quit.

So, the job hunt began. I'm lucky; my fiance has a great job, and we recently have been able to put a little bit of money into savings. But we knew that I would either need to get a job, or get our own businesses up and running. I was very good at my job, so I knew one or the other, or both, would happen eventually. I applied tons of places, and started the preliminaries of the business. Eventually I got an interview.

I interviewed last Monday at the company J (my fiance) works for. They were interviewing me for customer service/tech support. This is a completely different job than what I had been doing before. Basically, it's a step down, but that's fine with me. It's also a huge pay cut. Again, this is fine; I'd rather be making less at a better company than more at one that sends me into panic attacks. There's also a ton of room for advancement. Last Friday I was called in for a second interview. The second interview occurred today.

The interview went well. I was offered the position, and accepted it. They want me to start tomorrow. Great. Awesome! Less than a month unemployed, because, let's face it, I rock. I am also extremely overqualified for this position. The manager seemed excited about this, because I know what the hell I'm doing, and know other aspects of the business. This rocks for me, too, because it means that I will probably advance quickly. But here's where the problems come in.

I want a job, but I want to stay at home. I have a son that is almost 4. D (my son) has loved having me home, and I've loved being home with him. He's making leaps and bounds with his learning. He's learning to write his ABC's. I'm going to miss my time with him. I need a job, but I need to be a momma, too. I'm excited about my new job, but I dread it. D is going to be so upset. So am I. I need this; I want this... so why do I feel so crappy about it?!?

So, now I don't know what to do. I know what I'm going to do, but I don't know what I want to do. I'm going to start the new job. I'm most likely going to enjoy it. But I'm going to miss that time that I was able to spend with D.

There are so many other things going on right now, I feel like crap. But it's so hard to explain these feelings to those around me, because quite technically, everything is going amazing. *sigh* C'est la vie, I guess.